


There Isn’t An Ass-Kicking In the World (Can Fix This)

by Beguile



Category: Daredevil (TV), Iron Fist (TV), Jessica Jones (TV), Luke Cage (TV), The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Fighting, Gen, Jessica Can't Even, Luke is a mountain of patience, Matt and Danny parkour everywhere, References to Frank Castle, Ridiculous Villain, Swearing, The Real Superpower Was Friendship All Along, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-13 04:19:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12975735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beguile/pseuds/Beguile
Summary: They’re fighting a guy dressed up like a giant-ass frog.Jessica is far too sober for this shit.





	There Isn’t An Ass-Kicking In the World (Can Fix This)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Tam_Cranver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tam_Cranver/gifts).



> Disclaimer: the characters and concepts in this story are the property of Marvel and their related affiliates. This is an amateur writing effort meant for entertainment purposes only.
> 
> MERRY FIC-MAS!
> 
> The prompt for this fic was have the Defenders fight someone ridiculous and having to take it seriously. I went online to search for ridiculous villains in Marvel and discovered two things: 1) Daredevil has fought a lot of ridiculous villains, and 2) most of those villains end up being killed by Frank. I didn’t write Frank into this fic, choosing instead to foreground the Defenders, but there’s spoilers in here for events in the comics. 
> 
> This fic takes place in a hypothetical future set well after the events of Defenders season one have been rectified and the team has been established. 
> 
> To the prompter, Tam_Cranver, I really enjoyed writing this; I hope you enjoy reading it!

* * *

 

There Isn’t An Ass-Kicking In the World (Can Fix This)

 

            They’re racing across rooftops, the four of them: Danny and Matt vying for the lead, leaping and swinging like circus performers through the urban playground; Luke keeps pace behind them in a steady jog, while Jessica oscillates between running and walking, stopping occasionally to roll her eyes and comment some variation of, “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”  
  
            Traffic screeches from the street below. Cars are piled up, people are yelling, their uproar intercut with a comical springing sound as well as maniacal laughter.  

            “That suit he’s wearing has a lot of power,” Luke says.

            In the midst of back-flipping from one rooftop to the next, Danny points out, “I have a lot of power.”  
  
            “Power that could easily backfire,” Matt notes, the darkness slipping out of his voice for a second. “We don’t want an explosion, Danny.”

            Danny gets his intensity under control. “You’re right. We’ll have to incapacitate him. How strong is his armour?”

            “Strong enough to take a bullet.”  
  
            “Not to mention a fall after leaping about six stories in the air,” Luke adds.

            Matt uses his Billy to scale a billboard, using the altitude to get a read on the street below. They’re making good time, but it’s only doing so much against an enemy who covers a whole block in a single bound. “Makes him difficult to engage directly.”

            “Jesus, do you guys hear yourselves?” Jessica snarls. She skids to a halt under the billboard where Matt’s standing, breathless from the run. God damn cardio. She did not sign up for this – any of it – but definitely not fucking cardio. “You’re talking about a guy dressed up like a giant-ass _frog_.”

            “A bulletproof frog,” Danny counters, “who can leap up to six stories.”  
  
            “Exactly,” Jessica drones. He’s proving her point.   

            “We’re well aware of how ridiculous this sounds,” Luke agrees from the side of the building where he stands beside the Immortal Iron Fist, looming like a gargoyle over the chaos below. “Doesn’t change the fact that he’s a menace to the city. People are gonna get hurt.”  
  
            “He’s gonna get hurt, he messes with traffic any longer. I vote we let the mob of angry New Yorkers take him out.”

            “You always think we should let the mob of angry New Yorkers take him out,” Matt says.

            “I’m not about to let people get hurt by this maniac. Or by the cops coming to take him out,” Danny growls, taking it very personally that she would ever suggest such a thing.

            “And if they don’t get to him first, Matt’s boyfriend will,” Luke adds.

            Matt groans. _This again_. “He’s not my boyfriend.”

            “You remember what he did to Stilt-Man?”

            Danny nods. He remembers. “Shot him with an RPG.”

            “Shot him _in the crotch_ with an RPG,” Jessica clarifies.

            “Then showed up at the wake to poison Stilt-Man’s friends before exploding their bar.”  
  
            “As one does.”    
  
            “Lucky no one was killed,” Danny reminds them.

            “Frank isn’t going to make a move for a man whose biggest crime is a terrible idea for a criminal identity.” Then, after a beat that’s just a little too long, Matt insists, “Also, he’s not my boyfriend.”  
  
            Luke passes a glance between Jessica and Danny for agreement. “That’s what you said when we fought the Masked Matador. And the Masked Marauder. And the Masked Menace?”

            “Can’t figure out who sucks more – the toolboxes running around in masks or the toolboxes responsible for naming them.” Jessica tilts her head at the Devil and the Immortal Iron Fist. “No offense.”

            There’s definitely some offense there.

            Luke gets back to the conversation at hand: “All of them ended up with a bullet between their eyes.”  
  
            “Except the fire-crotch on stilts,” Jessica reminds them again. She gives a small scoff that’s recognized by every member of her party as a laugh. “What’s the strategy for dealing with this frog asshole?”

            “Go easy on him,” Matt urges.   
  
            “Not exactly the most formidable opponent we’ve had,” Luke notes with a scoff. “Maybe we should apply for the Avengers Initiative. Get ourselves a promotion. Go to the big leagues.”  
  
            “You mean big league oversight,” Jessica drones. “No thanks. We’re too official as it is.”  
  
            “We’re four guys about to fight a guy called Leap Frog,” Matt points out. “This is about as unofficial as it gets.”

            “What do you say we get his attention? Save ourselves another six block jog around Midtown?” Luke asks.

            “Oh, now you want to get his attention.” Jessica rolls her eyes. “Couldn’t have done that before I broke a sweat?”

            Luke flashes her a smile long enough for Matt and Danny to jump off the roof. Then he’s gone too.

            Jessica hesitates at the ledge. She sighs, put-upon. “God damn it.” Immortal ninjas to a guy in a frog costume. “Knew this hero shit was a bad idea.”  
  
            But she jumps off the roof anyways.

* * *

            Leap Frog begins doubling back almost immediately, eager for a fight scene photo op with four of New York’s resident vigilantes. Danny races to meet him down the street, bounding over cars, while Matt joins him in the shadows, invisible to the crowds below. Meantime, Luke turns back toward Jessica, and he points to a narrow alleyway behind her. “Let’s take this to some place a little more private,” he explains.

            “Thought you’d never ask.” Jessica saunters along in front this time. The alley is loaded with shit: dumpsters, trash, fire escapes. The usual snarl that’s inconvenient for someone on foot but probably hell for an asshole who likes to jump. Luke falls into step next to her.

            There are sirens circling in the street; New York’s Finest finally catching up to the action. Then Leap Frog comes crashing down into the centre of the intersection to a crowd of onlookers, some enthralled but most pissed because this is the third costumed idiot in the past month. “GET LIVES, YOU FREAKS!” Jessica hears, prompting her to look more closely as Leap Frog takes off again. He’s got Danny on his back railing against his head while Matt’s hanging off the cord of his Billy that’s wrapped around one of Leap Frog’s legs.

            Luke sighs. “Sweet Christmas…”

            The whole lot of them come flying into the alley. Matt rolls on his landing, detangling his Billy and launching into a run in the process. He ends up whipping around and jumping off a dumpster back into the fight while Luke Cage provides ground support.

            The efforts are for naught. Leap Frog kicks out with one of his legs and sends Luke flying back through the alley, bashing into every dumpster and fire escape ladder as he goes. The Devil of Hell’s Kitchen ends up in a chokehold in one of Leap Frog’s hands, while the Iron Fist is slammed into the wall of the alley, then pinned underfoot.

            Jessica rolls her fucking eyes. This guy isn’t some fearsome, hard-muscled freak. He’s just a guy who put a lot of time and energy into a bulletproof green catsuit. “Hey, asshole.” She begins her death march up to this fucknut in the frog costume. “Put them down, or you’re gonna have bigger problems than your unhealthy obsession with frogs.”  
  
            “Fool!” Leap Frag shouts, his freakishly strong hand clamping down even tighter on Daredevil’s neck no matter how hard he struggles. Danny’s turning purple underfoot. One pump from the springs will crack his chest, and Jessica is so not in the mood for cleaning billionaire off the pavement. “The frog is one of nature’s most powerful creatures, its more fearsome predator! And tonight you shall learn that lesson!”  
  
            “Oh, no. Stop. Don’t. I’m so scared.”

            Unbelievably, her sarcasm works. Leap Frog throws Matt to one side and boots Danny to the other, knocking them both out. He advances on Jessica: by hopping. He hops. And Jessica, she loses it. She raises her hands in surrender. “I can’t do this.”  
  
            “You cower in fear before me!” Leap Frog shouts.  

            “Are you guys seeing this? There isn’t an ass-kicking in the world can fix this guy.”

            “The only ass being kicked here is yours!”  
  
            “Hey, Nature’s Most Fearsome Predator, the unmasked adults are talking about how many of your bones to break. Give us a second, would you?”  
   
           “Be careful, Jessica,” Danny warns, unpeeling himself from the pavement.

            “Yes, be careful, Jessica,” Leap Frog chides. “I know you break. Behold the awesome power of –“

            “Swear to God, you say power of the frog -”

            “THE FROG!”

            Jessica swings her fist as he kicks – “I warned you, asshole” - and with all the muscle she mustered from the sight of his stupid costume, his stupid mask, his stupid obsession with stupid frogs, she manages to shatter the bastard’s leg at the knee.

            Leap Frog screams in agony. Jessica winds up for another swing.

            “Jessica, look out!” Luke calls.

            Leap Frog enters a crouch on his one remaining good leg as he prepares to throw a punch of his own. Jessica doesn’t bother ducking. She waits for the blow to come her way so she can break another of this idiot’s bones.

            “Leap Frog, don’t!” Matt shouts.

            But it’s too late. Leap Frog’s broken leg touches the ground. There’s a spark through his costume, a puff of smoke at his swollen knee, and he takes a second to look from it to Jessica just before the spring under his foot activates and launches him into the air. He bashes into a fire escape landing, hits the ground, and this time his unbroken leg backfires, sending him screaming towards the nighttime sky.

            He slams back down onto the roof of a car in the street. Cops converge, but Leap Frog isn’t going anywhere. His webbed, flippered feet hang limply out of the crater he’s made on the vehicle.

            “Is he…?” Danny asks.

            “He’s alive,” Matt confirms.

            The cops start shining their flashlights down the alley. One catches Jessica in the face.

            “We should go,” Luke says, jogging back into the alley. Matt and Danny are moving in his wake.

            More running?

            “You have gotta be fucking kidding me,” Jessica snarls, but she takes off after them anyways.

* * *

 Happy reading!


End file.
